Thursday, August 12, 2004

I find that surfing the net is a lot like those thought strains that visit me at 2 a.m. You know the ones I're lying there, wakeful, and start thinking of something and then 20 minutes later catch yourself thinking of something so UTTERLY UNRELATED that you stop and ask, "How did I get here?" Reading things on the 'net, complete with the joy of linking, is exactly like that for me. After an hour I'll be on an article on a site I've never seen before and didn't go looking for and then begin to backtrack to remember how I got there in the first place.

This is all by way of explaining the following cribbed offering. Kristin sent me a link to one of my favorite writers, which sent me somewhere that sent me somewhere that ended me up here. And I love this list and think it's effing brilliant, particularly numbers 3, 11, 20, 26, and 28. This is my kind of wisdom, my kind of truth. Enjoy.

The Wisdom, the truth
Since blowing stateside, I've heard 3 jokes. THREE. And they were all about Michael Jackson. That's LAME, people, LAME! I come from the country where people laugh after funerals and smile in the rain.

So, as part of what I hope to be a regular feature, I present a series of 'funnies' as they used to be called in bulk emails we got before they invented Viagra.

Today's installment is from the wisdom of northern comic Peter Kay, imparting the truth, knowledge and laughs of English life:
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong
22) It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard .
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.


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